There are days, moments in life that you’ll never forget. Wednesday July 13, 2016 is one of those days for me now. It’s the day I became a mother, the day I met my beautiful baby boy for the first time, and the day I learned no matter how much you plan or want something to go a certain way that ultimately God has other plans and sometimes his plans are a hard pill to swallow.
This was the very first picture I posted on social media several days after Beckett arrived. I waited for a while to post anything because I wanted those first few days to be special. I didn’t want notifications distracting me from soaking in these precious first days of us becoming a family of three and I wanted our closest people to have a chance to meet him in person.
One of the comments I received on this first post read, “By the looks of your face I am thinking it went according to plan!!!”. I laughed when I read this because absolutely nothing went according to my plan.
My plan was to attempt a natural birth. I had a fairly easy pregnancy aside from the terrible morning sickness the first three months. I had done and taught yoga up until my 9th month. I went on walks nearly every day. I ate right. I bounced on the exercise ball like I was suppose to. I used certain essential oils, herbal remedies, and drank certain teas that were suppose to make a natural child birth easier. I had done everything I was suppose to. A natural child birth was right around the corner and I was ready!.. Except no matter how much preperation you do, no matter how much research and effort you put into it, no matter your plan…sometimes plans fail no matter how good your intentions are.
If you knew me you would know that I am a yoga instructor, I have a degree in Health, holistic is important to me, and I believe their is a time and place to use modern medicine but all too often people use it too quickly. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to make sure I eat right, exercise, and use alternative approaches like essential oils, etc in the event that I get sick. I believe that most of the time if you truly take care of yourself that is enough to keep you healthy but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes our body’s fail us anyways and that’s why I’m thankful for modern medicine. And I’m especially thankful for it because without it I wouldn’t have gotten my beautiful baby boy.
5AM – Ouch! I had been having minor contractions throughout the night but Ow! This one that hit at 5AM hurt! I decided to wake up Mike at this point. He woke up, jumped out of bed, and immediately started timing my contractions. He was a little excited lol. We had been waiting a long time for baby boy to make his debut! I was 42 weeks pregnant and I had waited as long as I could to attempt a natural child birth before my doctor would induce me. My induction was scheduled for the next day. So waking up to a contraction that really hurt was super exciting for me! “This is it!” – I thought – “I’m going to be able to do this the way I planned! I’m not going to have to be induced!”
7AM – Mike asked, “Should I go to work??” To which I responded, “Yeah definitely! I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.” Mike asked, “Are you sure??” and I responded “Yeah I’ll be okay :)”
8AM – Ring, Ring “Ummmmmm Mike….I think you need to come home! My contractions are getting a lot worse and I don’t think I can drive myself to the hospital” LOL – He had just gotten to work!
9:30AM – We arrive at the hospital, get checked in, I’m 6cm dilated, and I’m admitted.
5AM-5PM – I labor naturally. My contractions gradually get more intense but they never get to a steady pace. And I never dilate past 7cm.
5PM – After laboring naturally for over 12 hours, my body not progressing past 7cm, and my contractions getting more intense yet more sporadic – I tap out and decide to get the epidural.
6PM – The epidural is only working on half of my body. So while I can’t feel anything on my right side, I can feel almost everything on my left. They begin to have me lay on my side to try and help the epidural flow to me left side. It never works so they push more medicine. And that doesn’t work either.
7PM – They reposition my epidural line by taking it out and putting it in at a slightly different angle/spot. And they push more medicine. This begins to work so well that the epidural numbs me from my shoulders down. Annnddd it gives me a panic attack. So they stop the line of epidural so it can wear off a bit and only numb me from my tummy down.
8PM – The epidural wears off completely. I’m back to square 1…I feel EVERYTHING! But contractions are more intense than ever but I’m still only at 7cm. They want to give me Pitocin but can’t because 1) my contractions are still very sporadic 2) my blood pressure keeps dipping and 3) baby boy’s heart rate has been dipping as well. They begin to push more medicine in order to get my epidural working again.
9PM – The epidural still isn’t working. They’ve pushed more medicine three times now and still nothing. My blood pressure keeps dropping and so does baby’s heart rate.
9:30PM – The baby’s heart beat drops so low that one minute it’s just me, Mike, and one nurse in the room and the next minute about twenty nurses and doctors flood the room. All of a sudden, while being in the worst pain of my life, the staff begin to turn me from side to side trying to get baby’s heart rate steady. They begin changing me into a different gown and continuously lifting and turning me every which way. Finally they get me on all fours, the baby’s heart rate comes up a bit, and the doctor decides it’s time for a C Section. They give Mike a whole outfit to put on and they begin wheeling me away.
10:01PM – Beckett is born 🙂 just not the way I had hoped.
For me, it was a hard pill to swallow. For over 9 months I had dreamed of my labor going and being a certain way. I had the best intentions or so I thought. But in the end I realized that I had gotten so caught up in how he should be born and I was missing the fact that he was born regardless. He was my beautiful, healthy baby boy. In the end, what did it matter how he came out but for the sole fact that he came out! And we were both alive and well and together. No, my birth didn’t go according to my plan, it went according to God’s plan. I learned that you can’t plan everything and not everything is going to go exactly the way you want it to go even if you believe you have the very best intentions. But that’s okay. I’ve got to learn to let go and let God. It’s easier said than done but I’m working on it. I’m grateful for my beautiful son, I’m grateful for modern medicine, and I’m grateful for a God who has bigger plans (and lessons to be learned in those plans) for us than I could ever imagine.
My advice to all you beautiful pregnant women out there – Don’t get too caught up in the plan. You can have a plan of course! but be loosey, goosey 🙂 Allow space for God to work his magic!